When my heart breaks, Cage always makes me feel better. No idea why. Movies, Hells Winter, Depart, Vampires, KTA and Sam Hill on repeat. I get healed up quick smart and disappear into another, better darkness, and I like it there.
a sink is knocking at your door. just let that sink in
I’m supposed to just give up on love and flop back into reality with a sore heart and just get on with it. Because nothing I say makes a difference. Nothing I do will make a difference.
Except I can’t accept this, not at all. I love him and he loves me. He sees all the problems and I see all the solutions. I make enough money now for at least monthly trips and skype and Facebook and whatsapp make the days in between better. And if we could manage that for a while then I’ll pack my Fran bags and live in a tent outside his flat if I had to. I would honestly do anything at all to make it work.
But it’s not my decision to make because he doesn’t want to try, the answer is no, so many no’s.And every no is is like a kick in the stomach. And the people at work try to befriend me and they walk around just living life and mine has come to an almighty halt, I’m stuck in time with a assault of pain and Ive lost my chance to be happy and to truelly make someone else happy. Almost a year later I’m dealing with our break up. It’s finally hit me, and I feel winded, like someone has kicked the air out of me. Functioning in reality has become a problem. I keep imaging that he turns up to my flat, or to work, he’s changed his mind, we hug and cry and laugh and fuck and it’s fine again. Or the message comes through telling me to buy a plane ticket. But the message isn’t coming. It’s not fucking coming. And I feel like I’m dying.
Well fuck everything. I am heartbroken.
I have been such an idiot.
Waiting patiently to find out whether he thinks we’re worth the effort and hardships of long distance. The waiting is ok. As long as he is ok.
I want to spend every moment I get with Benn making up for the decision I made and the heartache I caused. I want more chances to make him feel like the astounding, gorgeous, clever, funny, interesting and wonderful human being that he is.
And if he doesn’t give me that chance.. well, fuck. Yeah that will hurt. But if it makes him happy.. I honestly, that’s all I want. Really. I deserve to be sad. I let him go.
So…well. We’ll see. I miss him.