I have been thinking a lot today about free time, and what it means.
Free time divides me into different versions of myself, who all have different ideas on the way that my free time should be spent. For example - today I’ve been reading about coding, and games development, including the story of how Half Life was developed, particularly in teams of ‘Cabal’ (notable due to TR AOD reference!)
I’ve been on the verge of ‘no work’ to do today. And I wanted to do the following:
1. Learn how to code, or begin to learn, and find out the best way to go about this. I contacted my manager who gave me links, support - and reference points. I agreed with myself that I’d test Jess’ laptop to see it would download and run the required software before buying my own.
2. Look into Battlestar tattoos, specifically Kara Thrace ones. It’s become obvious I identify with these badass ladies from fiction. Which lead to the following:
* Is a KT tattoo the way to go, will I regret it?
*Why do I identify with fiction characters way cooler than me?
* How can I be more like them without going the cosplay route?
3. Can I and will I ever take self defense classes? I’ve proved I can kick gym butt. And I can feel better about identifying as strong lead if I am one? Is this a cover for something else?
No. I’ve literally always wanted to dominate in ‘male’ industries. I’ve always felt strongest in a pack of men. I’ve always identified strongly with men, while firmly being a woman. I want to be a badass lady in a mans world. And prove that it isn’t just a mans world.
Which leads me to:
4. RELAXATION. I do a lot of it, especially nowadays with Jess. We power watch TV programs and eat and laugh and generally have a good time. There are moments when I feel I’ve never been happier than with her, right then in our space. The only thing we battle is the clock before inevitability one of us has to sleep.
Needless to say, this takes up a lot of my time.
Could my time be ‘better spent’? Is being passive bad for me?
If I’m happy, does it matter?
Yes, and No. At the end of the day, or even - at the end of my life - all that matters is that I was happy.
But I have hundreds of badassery inside and Gods forbit I don’t let it out.
So, with all this in my head - my free time never really feels free. I’m bound to this feeling that I could be achieving, earning, creating - always creating.
I stick by the belief that my nightmares are not senseless.
I either need to use them creatively, or be creating in order to silence them.
Aaaaaaaaand talk over. Welcome to my head.
It’s incredibly difficult to figure out how I feel at any one time right now. Being 24 so far had been this weird ride of strange and sad feelings.
On top of everything, admittedly I have a pretty big weed habit at the moment. I do almost everything stoned except work, and every success and every failure merits a joint. I’ve become so comfortable with stoned Fran that real life becomes a little more frustrating.
But I’m not worried. As far as habits go, mine don’t tend to last long. I’m looking at it as a phase, that one day I’ll look back on like ‘remember when I was stoned everyday?’